The Nail

Parkour!

Season Eight's opener for The Office is the worst season opener so far. As any fan of The Office should have recognized, the cold opening, with its references to planking, is fairly close in proximity to Season Six's opening where Andy, Dwight, and Michael imitate parkour. Just like Season Six, planking is an outdated internet sensation. There's a charm to that, but it suggests that the hilariously outdated references were not limited to just Michael. This is a fallacy. Every outdated reference on The Office prior to the opening of Season Eight is attributed to Michael. Why are these outdated references continuing on The Office? I don't know, but without Michael, they shouldn't.
And this is how the episode begins. It begins with a retread. It begins with a mistake. Michael is gone. He's never coming back, and they shouldn't even suggest that he might with this misguided humor. Andy, the new boss, is not Michael, and they went for the safe choice in having him be the boss. Both Andy and Michael are lovable oafs, real-life disciples of The Daily Show, and big movie stars. Daryl, long time underused patron of the show, could have been the boss. Or, Jim. But Andy was the safe and obvious choice.

This is a mistake for two reasons. First off, Andy is too similar to Michael. After the writers decided to completely change Andy's character from a ticking time bomb of hostility to super saccharine loser, he has become almost a spitting image of Michael. Steve Carrel was amazing on the show, and just like Apple shouldn't find the next Steve Jobs, the Office shouldn't replace Steve Carrel with the next thing closest to him. Secondly, it is grossly inappropriate for the boss of the office to be engaged with an inter-office romance. This poisons the force subplot of Erin/Gabe/Andy love triangle. Enough instance of real life sexual abuse and harassment of office managers and their workers ruin any fun and fantasy that could have been exploited from the Andy/Erin romance. Now, it is just icky. But, because the writers are mostly male, or mostly out of touch, and they probably won't explore this avenue of awfulness, or even know it exists. Which, in the minds of some, can be viewed as sexist, or pathetic (if Erin doesn't recognize it).

Nevertheless, the show goes on, with the sudden plot twists in the first two minutes. How did James Spader persuade Kathy Bates to give up her position as CEO to him? Rather than start with the planking portion of the episode, the cold open should have been Kathy Bates offering James Spader the position of boss, him turning it down, and subsequently convincing her to let him take of the company, with her departure. This accomplishes several things. First of all, On screen finality is given to Kathy Bates. She was a major character in the previous season, and major characters should never be dealt with off screen (unless that is the point, a la No Country for Old Men with James Brolin). Secondly, it would have replaced the planking joke with something fresh. Not only would the joke from Season Six be discarded, but the audience would have been thrown for a loop with the introduction of James Spader as boss, and then his succession to CEO. Lastly, James Spader's interview in the last episode of Season Seven was the best moment in the episode. This conversation between Kathy Bates and James Spader would have allowed for a continuation of his magnificent and malevolent oratory skills previously witnessed. Instead, we never see this strength again, which will be addressed later.

The other surprise in the opening, apart from Andy being the boss and James Spader as CEO is the dual pregnancies of Pam and Angela. There were three episodes primarily concerning Pam and Jim's baby: The birth episode, the Sweeny Todd episode, and the episode where they exploit their baby to win the affection of Will Farrel. Three episodes in a 22-ish episode season is hardly enough for them to recycle the pregnancy angle. Sure, Jenna Fischer's real life pregnancy might be the cause of such an inclusion, but it damages the show and the characters. And, why did Angela's wedding to the gay senator occur off screen as well? Again, this could have yielded great humor, such as Dwight or Oscar trying to ruin the wedding.

Also, why did James Spader make Andy the boss, a person who has a lousy sales record, and whom he almost instantly puts in the "loser" category of his diary list? Yes, he was originally in the "winner" category, but without any hesitation, he moves Andy onto the other side. Is James Spader, the mastermind from Season Seven's closer and the guy who convinced the CEO of her own company to quit, really that bad at judging people? It makes no sense.

And, why is Erin looking through his diary in the first place, when in earlier episodes she forced Pam to hand her faxes upside-down so Erin would not accidentally read them?

These inconsistencies illuminate the problems with later episodes to earlier (even as late as Season Six) episodes.

[Complete side note: do all pregnant women clasp their hands together under their belly to signal that they are pregnant?]

There's some great jokes in the episode, don't get me wrong. Dwight throwing Jim's phone like a fastball is not only in character, but hilarious. Stanley's forced catch phrase is just plain silly. James Spader's "I might as well be sketching a cube" rebuff to Andy is in perfect character to the previous version of his character. Kevin's "WARNING!" is a riot. But, Pam's constant crying isn't very funny. The commercial she is crying at is kinda heart warming, so it isn't a stretch for her to be crying at it. Maybe, she should have been weeping at something else, something completely indefensible? The lunch scene with James Spader is a wash except for Toby's leaving, which underscores Toby's greatness on the show. Kevin's text isn't bad either.

But, this was an important episode. This wasn't just the first episode of Season Eight, it was the first episode, the first true episode (the few last season don't count), without Steve Carrel. At this point, are we to believe that this is the best representation of the post-Michael episodes of the Office? Hands down, the best moment of the episode was Andy's dedication to the workers with his pointed defense of each second-tier cast member to James Spader. This move by Andy was classic Michael, and classic Office. But, moments later the show ends with what should have been a classic Pam/Jim moment. Jim drops a note, mimicking James Spader's list of Winners/Losers, but with Pam, Pipa, and the new baby in the win column, and "everything" in the losing column. It's sweet, and something that would feel right at home in Season Five. But, it is played for laughs. It is played just like the horrid baby episode.This was no Dundies drunken nodding moment, or rooftop pizza moment, or campfire confession, or Jim asking Pam out for the first time moment. This was dumb.

And that's how it ends. To quote Monkey Island, rest in piece and all that.