The Nail

Parkour!

Season Eight's opener for The Office is the worst season opener so far. As any fan of The Office should have recognized, the cold opening, with its references to planking, is fairly close in proximity to Season Six's opening where Andy, Dwight, and Michael imitate parkour. Just like Season Six, planking is an outdated internet sensation. There's a charm to that, but it suggests that the hilariously outdated references were not limited to just Michael. This is a fallacy. Every outdated reference on The Office prior to the opening of Season Eight is attributed to Michael. Why are these outdated references continuing on The Office? I don't know, but without Michael, they shouldn't.
And this is how the episode begins. It begins with a retread. It begins with a mistake. Michael is gone. He's never coming back, and they shouldn't even suggest that he might with this misguided humor. Andy, the new boss, is not Michael, and they went for the safe choice in having him be the boss. Both Andy and Michael are lovable oafs, real-life disciples of The Daily Show, and big movie stars. Daryl, long time underused patron of the show, could have been the boss. Or, Jim. But Andy was the safe and obvious choice.

This is a mistake for two reasons. First off, Andy is too similar to Michael. After the writers decided to completely change Andy's character from a ticking time bomb of hostility to super saccharine loser, he has become almost a spitting image of Michael. Steve Carrel was amazing on the show, and just like Apple shouldn't find the next Steve Jobs, the Office shouldn't replace Steve Carrel with the next thing closest to him. Secondly, it is grossly inappropriate for the boss of the office to be engaged with an inter-office romance. This poisons the force subplot of Erin/Gabe/Andy love triangle. Enough instance of real life sexual abuse and harassment of office managers and their workers ruin any fun and fantasy that could have been exploited from the Andy/Erin romance. Now, it is just icky. But, because the writers are mostly male, or mostly out of touch, and they probably won't explore this avenue of awfulness, or even know it exists. Which, in the minds of some, can be viewed as sexist, or pathetic (if Erin doesn't recognize it).

Nevertheless, the show goes on, with the sudden plot twists in the first two minutes. How did James Spader persuade Kathy Bates to give up her position as CEO to him? Rather than start with the planking portion of the episode, the cold open should have been Kathy Bates offering James Spader the position of boss, him turning it down, and subsequently convincing her to let him take of the company, with her departure. This accomplishes several things. First of all, On screen finality is given to Kathy Bates. She was a major character in the previous season, and major characters should never be dealt with off screen (unless that is the point, a la No Country for Old Men with James Brolin). Secondly, it would have replaced the planking joke with something fresh. Not only would the joke from Season Six be discarded, but the audience would have been thrown for a loop with the introduction of James Spader as boss, and then his succession to CEO. Lastly, James Spader's interview in the last episode of Season Seven was the best moment in the episode. This conversation between Kathy Bates and James Spader would have allowed for a continuation of his magnificent and malevolent oratory skills previously witnessed. Instead, we never see this strength again, which will be addressed later.

The other surprise in the opening, apart from Andy being the boss and James Spader as CEO is the dual pregnancies of Pam and Angela. There were three episodes primarily concerning Pam and Jim's baby: The birth episode, the Sweeny Todd episode, and the episode where they exploit their baby to win the affection of Will Farrel. Three episodes in a 22-ish episode season is hardly enough for them to recycle the pregnancy angle. Sure, Jenna Fischer's real life pregnancy might be the cause of such an inclusion, but it damages the show and the characters. And, why did Angela's wedding to the gay senator occur off screen as well? Again, this could have yielded great humor, such as Dwight or Oscar trying to ruin the wedding.

Also, why did James Spader make Andy the boss, a person who has a lousy sales record, and whom he almost instantly puts in the "loser" category of his diary list? Yes, he was originally in the "winner" category, but without any hesitation, he moves Andy onto the other side. Is James Spader, the mastermind from Season Seven's closer and the guy who convinced the CEO of her own company to quit, really that bad at judging people? It makes no sense.

And, why is Erin looking through his diary in the first place, when in earlier episodes she forced Pam to hand her faxes upside-down so Erin would not accidentally read them?

These inconsistencies illuminate the problems with later episodes to earlier (even as late as Season Six) episodes.

[Complete side note: do all pregnant women clasp their hands together under their belly to signal that they are pregnant?]

There's some great jokes in the episode, don't get me wrong. Dwight throwing Jim's phone like a fastball is not only in character, but hilarious. Stanley's forced catch phrase is just plain silly. James Spader's "I might as well be sketching a cube" rebuff to Andy is in perfect character to the previous version of his character. Kevin's "WARNING!" is a riot. But, Pam's constant crying isn't very funny. The commercial she is crying at is kinda heart warming, so it isn't a stretch for her to be crying at it. Maybe, she should have been weeping at something else, something completely indefensible? The lunch scene with James Spader is a wash except for Toby's leaving, which underscores Toby's greatness on the show. Kevin's text isn't bad either.

But, this was an important episode. This wasn't just the first episode of Season Eight, it was the first episode, the first true episode (the few last season don't count), without Steve Carrel. At this point, are we to believe that this is the best representation of the post-Michael episodes of the Office? Hands down, the best moment of the episode was Andy's dedication to the workers with his pointed defense of each second-tier cast member to James Spader. This move by Andy was classic Michael, and classic Office. But, moments later the show ends with what should have been a classic Pam/Jim moment. Jim drops a note, mimicking James Spader's list of Winners/Losers, but with Pam, Pipa, and the new baby in the win column, and "everything" in the losing column. It's sweet, and something that would feel right at home in Season Five. But, it is played for laughs. It is played just like the horrid baby episode.This was no Dundies drunken nodding moment, or rooftop pizza moment, or campfire confession, or Jim asking Pam out for the first time moment. This was dumb.

And that's how it ends. To quote Monkey Island, rest in piece and all that.

Hurts like a motherfucker

The Office is becoming a car crash that your have to stare at because your boss is making you.

What the hell is going on with the Office? People complained right after the mishandled baby episode that the tracks were coming off the rail, but now things are skidding into the side of a mountain. Perhaps Yucca Mountain filled with nuclear weapons and a bunch of pissed off Indians. The most recent episode, Michael’s Last Dundies, was a mess.

Holly was a great edition to the show. She provided a great romantic counterpart to Michael after his disastrous relationships with several women. If the show runners kept having Michael strike out with women without finding any happiness, it would be like kicking a puppy repeatedly without letting it lick your face just once. Since everyone loves puppies, everyone should have loved Holly. But, msyoginism and the like brought people down. She wasn’t THAT pretty. Well, she was pretty darn adorable in The Wire back in 2003 so fuck anyone who hates her. The cute awkwardness that Holly brought to those initial episodes of the Office were refreshing and allowed Michael to develop, slowly, in the span of a season.

Then, there was his trip to Nashville where he suffered a meltdown (typical for the character but in a grander scale) when his love had moved on to another man. This two part episode was important because it showed just how necessary Holly was to Michael and to the show. In this same road trip Rashida Jones came back, but no one really cared. She was just... there. Pam didn’t really react, nor Michael (outside of his comment asking if the baby was Jim’s), and Rashida didn’t really give a damn either because she moved on to someone else. No one likes being replaced. That is, unless both people replace one another and one of them gets knocked up.

Of course, maybe this means more to people who have found their Holly but lost them to someone else or to the circumstances of life. Mine was dressed in a pink shirt and acid jeans sitting beside a pool. Mine was sleepy on a bus and rested her head against my shoulder on a 8 hour drive over night. Mine had a jean jacket. Mine had an infectious laugh.

Well, not mine.

Luckily, Holly came back. For Michael. And, he is allowed his happiness. He deserves it because even if he screws up all of the time, he’s a good person. There’s a reason why the GLBT group didn’t complain when Michael made homophobic remarks to Oscar but DID complain about that stupid Ron Howard movie.

The simple point is this: Holly is great. Not Big. Not Small. Perfect boobs. She’s like a lady baker.

So where is she? She had to leave to Colorado, I suppose, but in these final episodes of Michael, she needs to be there to remind the office WHY he is leaving. The way the show is handling it, no one cares about the characters but about the actors. Yes, Steve Carell is gone. But Michael? What is he doing? He’s hosting the last Dundies. What about the first we all saw in the series?

Episode 1 of the Second Season essentially started the show. The first 6 episodes of Season One were too similar to the British show. That is, they were much more awkward and mean. Michael, rather than being a lovable oaf was an ass.

So, what made The Dundies episode so great? Well, it firmly planted a flag that became the entire reason for the first 5 seasons of the Office. When will Pam and Jim get together? There was never a question on the “if” of their relationship, but the “when”. This is one of the great things about the show. Rather than be like Friends were there’s a constant “will they won’t they” nonsense (because everyone knew it would happen eventually), the show fess up’ed and said “YES THEY WILL GET TOGETHER WHEN WE DAMN WELL SAY THEY WILL” and let it happen organically.

Imagine how Jim felt when he saw Pam with Roy. Imagine Michael thinking of Holly

There’s one magical moment in the Dundies episode that makes it one of my favorite moments in all of television. Jim is madly taken by Pam, but he can’t do anything. She’s taken, and he’s too much of a nice guy to do anything about it. He can only watch. And, Pam, even if she might have feelings for Jim, knows she is taken and can’t hurt Roy. Star-crossed lovers.

So there they are. Sitting next to one another. And she’s drunk. And he’s not. And they love each other. And she nods her head with such a seriousness and a sweetness that seems impossible to fake. At that moment, Pam loves him, and he loves her, and it’s their moment. It’s the sweetest thing in the world. It’s their moment.

Of course, it’s a show, and it’s fake.

But, for any star-crossed lover, it’s impossible to have a dry eye.

None of this is in the new Dundie’s episode. Rather, we get an uncomfortable breakup between two characters that no one liked together and a new host who we don’t know how to feel about (he makes an employee drink soap. We are suppose to like him?).

The Dundies mean something. They used to mean something.

Downhill tumble

What are they doing to my favorite show on television?

This last episode of the office was such a disappointment. What should have been a wonderful and magical moment like the first kiss in the office at night, or Pam being drunk at the Dundees, or even the recent wedding was squandered. Instead, the two most logical characters acted illogical and stupid. Jim and Pam are supposed to be the normals, and they confuse their own child with someone else's? This just made no sense. Michael walks in on the birth and makes a mean and gross comment. Not only is it harsher than what he normally says, but a funnier reaction would have been for him to remain silent.

I've heard many people discuss how this is the worst season of the series, but I would always defend it just for that wedding episode and the hope that the birth episode would be just as good. I stand corrected. This is the beginning of the end of the series, which now in retrospect, should have ended with Jim walking in to ask Pam out on a date.

Where do we go from here?

I’ve been meaning to write about this third chapter of Tales of Monkey Island, but it seemed like every time I wanted to, something else always came up and it’s hard to put pen to digital paper. The great thing about the series coming back like it did is that it’s one of the few things that isn’t going away from my childhood, or from my life, in general, that I really like. Star Wars had its ending with Episode Three despite the wishes of fans that the prequels never existed. But I remember seeing the last of the prequels, Revenge of the Sith, with my dad and my sister, and I had tears in my eyes as the credits came. Some years before that one came out I was so excited to see the Phantom Menace with my mother, which wasn’t the last movie I saw with her, but one of the last.

Today also marks the end of one of the podcasts that I listened to frequently. Over at the 1UP network, and previously EGM, Garnett Lee posted the ever popular 1UP Yours podcast for something like half a decade and tonight was its final episode. I remember having great reservations about listening to that show because of one of the promotional graphics consisted of a very obnoxious man holding up a finger, but eventually I did listen to it and fell in love instantly like so many before me. It became a ritual of Friday nights. Practically every Friday night, instead of going out with nonexistent friends, I would sit in peace and listen to the show.

A close friend of mine got me to start watching the television program The Office. I’m not a very big television. I watch only a handful of shows, and I really had no interest in watching The Office, but being enamored with this close friend as I was, I took the advice and watched all three seasons in their entire within the span of a few days. it’s rare to see a couple, in real life or even on television or in film, be so meant for each other and be so happy. In one aspect, it’s reassuring and another, it’s a constant reminder of what you don’t have and what you most probably never will have. And as that friend has now abandoned me, I watch and remember.

Where do we go from here? It’s not a unique feeling to feel like everything changes but you remain the same. Every once in a while you are reminded how fast the world can change. The story arc of Jim and Pam is completed. My Friday nights will not be the same. And here I’ll sit in front of a screen typing, reading, as the lives of others, real or imagined, go on.

You watch movies and play games and you post poorly written updates because that’s all you got

So do something about it?